Sexuary

Warning:  Post may be reference my sex life.  Mom and Dad, please feel free to NOT read this post......

This month (February) has been filled with a ton of failure.  Pretty much everything I touch right now seems to wither away and die. 

*Remember that February-Photo-A-Day thing I claimed I was going to do?  Yea.....I made it to like day 5.  I forgot two days and tried to make them up, but life happened and I just kept forgetting.  Now I'm like 14 days behind and have just thrown in the towel.

*Remember how we have a 7 month old daughter?  We still have her, but we aren't really looking to add any other younger children to our family through natural birth at this moment.  Birth Control is a must!  Birth Control (the cheap kind I can afford) is a once-a-day pill.  I'm not so great with once-a-day things.......(For all those people freaking out, No we're not pregnant.....for now....da da daaaaaaaa)

*Remember how we were participating in Sexuary?  You don't?  Oh, my bad!  I didn't tell anyone about it on purpose accident.  So we decided that we'd attempt to go 10 straight days.  I got sick....for 2 weeks.  Ryan got sick.  We all got sick.  We made it a total of like 3 days...?  Not our best work for sure.

So Sexuary hasn't really worked out as planned.  It was supposed to make me feel....Sexy.  Instead, I feel like an out of shape (thanks Bronchitis!) failure.  I'm about as far from "sexy" as I could possibly be.   Not feeling sexy has completely ruined sex, which in turn makes me feel unsexy.  Ugh....vicious cycles.... 

So I did what all wives should do and I told my husband before I end up a sobbing mess one night and he is wondering why a crazy woman is living in his wife's body.  I also got lucky and found a post that Christine wrote about Feeling Sexy Just The Way You Are.  There are some underlying issues that are causing my unsexiness.  I know this.  You know this.  A lot of these have to do with feeling like I'm a failure in this department and/or having little voices in my head telling me sex is sinful (Thanks Conservative Christian Culture!)  I think I need to find Christ in my sex life.  Man that sounds weird....

 God gave us sex for a reason, I just haven't found it yet.  I'm pretty sure I need a "sex mentor."  You read that right....  I need some super wise and super sexy woman of God to walk into my life and teach me how she's conquered her demons and determined she's sexy/beautiful.  Not really sure I have the guts to just walk up to women I look up to at church and ask them how their sex life is..... 

I had a hard time deciding whether to post this or not.  It's just a tad bit taboo to talk about sex unless you're an unbeliever that lives in Sodom or Gomorrah.  Personally, I think this should change.....

For clarification: my relationship with my husband is awesome.  I'm so glad God gave me a man that I can unashamedly talk to about this kind of stuff. 

My Biggest Mistake

Oh you of little faith

Christ says to Peter looking straight at me

why don’t you act like you say

and stop trusting in ordinary things

it’s been your biggest mistake

and you want revival

want amazing

but you must trust in this name

it’s all you got anyways

come on and trust

do you remember my name

I am Emanuel

Lord of Lords

you are my hands and feet

to tell the nations I am worthy.

Come On And Trust by The Dirt and the Flood

(Re)Discovering Relationship

This blog has been quiet the last couple of days.  I've wanted to write something, but I didn't want to just write over and over again how hectic my life is right now (not like that will ever change).  I want this blog to be a place to store profound issues and victories in my walk with Jesus, but also a place that I can simply share my day and how Layla is growing.  I never want it to be so overwhelmingly intense that you have to brace yourelf to read it.  I never want it to be so trivial that you see don't care to read it at all. I hope I find a balance eventually that will be just right.

So the Church has always taught me that I should have a relationship with Jesus.  This is obviously an on-going process and one that I have even come close to getting right yet.  What the Church has never taught me is that I should have a relationship with the Holy Spirit.  He's always been this intangible, spirit-thing that is more like a guiding force than a person.  I mean, something called the "Holy Spirit" has to be just a spirit......right? Plus he/it is in me....aka my body....so he/it can't be a person or anything.....right?  And if he isn't a person then he doesn't really have feelings or need relationship.....right? 

So get this: What if the Holy Spirit was a person; not the physical kind, but the Jesus/ God kind?  Woah. That changes EVERYTHING.  What if I'm supposed to have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, just like I do with Jesus/ the Father?  (For all you theologians out there: I know they are ONE, but they are also different.  I know that by having a relationship with Jesus, we have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, in a roundabout way, since they are ONE. But we shouldn't forget that the Holy Spirit is the one inside of us....and the one that we seem to never pray to.....ex: I hear "Dear Lord" "Lord Jesus" "Holy Father" etc etc all the time, but RARELY hear "Dear Spirit" etc.)  I don't mean to claim to know much about this subject at all.  Honestly, I know very little about the Holy Spirit and how the trinity works.  I'm not sure anybody really knows anything about the trinity works though..... 

Regardless, when Jesus ascended into Heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit down to be our counselor and to dwell within us.  He even said that it was better for us that this happen.  So why have we forgotten that He's even here?  Why do we push Him to the background of our lives and only ask for help from the Father and the Son?  I don't have any answers.  All I have is more questions and this gut feeling that there is a whole nother PERSON of the Godhead that I never really knew was there. 

On the lighter side:

Check out my ridiculously adorable little Layla.  She is getting so big and she looks practically NOTHING like she used to. 

My Ugly Truth

There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to write this post.  I'm scared of what you all will think of me; of my faith and my God.  This past week I've had this underlying feeling that I needed to sit down and be still.  I knew for some reason that I needed to read.  I had no idea what or why, I just knew I had to.  I picked up a book this evening that has been sitting on my shelf for about 2 years.  My brother gave it to me for Christmas a while back.  The book is called "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and it's all about the Holy Spirit.  I think I've been putting off reading it for the exact same reason that I'm both scared to write this post and know that I have to.

According to Chan, there are two main reasons that people don't ask the Holy Spirit to show up more in their lives.  1. They are scared that if they do ask, that He won't show and they'll be disappointed and lose faith in God.  2. They aren't sure that they want Him to show up because they are scared of what He might ask them to do.  I'm going to go ahead and bite the bullet and say that I fit into BOTH of these categories, but I'm really struggling with #2.  I want to be courageous and I want to live a godly life and do His will, but only in my head.  In real life, I'm a coward.  In real life, I want people that I work with to like me.  In real life, I want to have nice things and a nice family.  In real life, I don't want to get fired for sharing the gospel with my coworkers, or eventually, my students.  I don't want my neighbors to think I'm cookoo, or to be THAT person that people make fun of for actually thinking that the Holy Spirit can do miraculous things.  I'm wholly concerned about being popular to you, and not at all concerned about letting The Counselor that God gave me actually show up in my life.

The really sad thing is: I know this and can see it in all I do, but I'm still too scared to change anything.  I love my God, and I love Jesus, but I'm not sure I've ever really known the Holy Spirit.  Honestly, I'm ashamed of myself.  I know God has so much more planned for my life.  I know He showed me how much I'm lacking in my relationship with Him so that I'd do something about it.  Killing my pride is so much harder than I thought.

Homebody Bound

First, I want to apologize for being away for so long.  I'm in serious denial that I have too much going on in my life.  I want so badly to be able to see all of my friends and family more than I do.  There are so many times during the week that I think about how badly I need to go hang out with (fill in practically anyone's name).  I feel terribly guilty about how I'm not there for so many people on so many occasions. 

So I'm going to be honest for a minute: I'm exhausted.  I'd really love to stay at home for an entire week and only see my family.  It would be so nice to be able to shut off my phone and just be at home.  I miss sitting around the house reading.  I miss sewing and painting and playing with Layla until she's exhausted.  I miss putting her down for a mid-day nap and actually being there when she wakes up.  I miss baking and even watching a good show on TV.  I even miss cleaning.....yes, it is possible to miss this. 

Deep down inside of me, my inner intravert is crying out.  You see, I've always known that I would rather sit at home reading a good book or painting than being super social.  And with Layla's arrival and my ridiculous schedule of school and work, I've had very little time to be still and quiet. 

A friend of mine and fellow blogger just made her New Year's Resolution because she didn't want to wait until January 1st to do something that she needs to start now.  I think I will do the same.  This may sound completely opposite of what I should be doing, but I want to make a resolution to stay at home and be still more.  I want to be artsy and know that I'm spending time nurturing and growing in relationship with my Jesus, my husband and my daughter.  I absolutely realize that this means I will probably spend even less time with people that I love that I hardly have any time to spend with now.  But for a season, I need this.  I need to remember who I am and stop long enough to be able to hear God's voice in my life.

Crash and Burn

So when I decided to do a giveaway on this blog, I thought for sure that I would at least get a 4 or 5 entries, and hopefully a couple of new followers.  I mean seriously, who doesn't want free stuff.  And an itunes gift card is good for EVERYONE, not just my adoption friends.  I've pushed this and pushed this, but as the clock ticks down and I have to draw a winner tomorrow I'm starting to feel like a total failure.  Kudos to Nathan and Kit for entering!  They may win by default.....

Then God punched me in the face....

This whole thing has been about my own pride.....

I want more people to read my blog; more people to like me; more people to swoon over Layla; and more people to decide to donate money to V4V because of me.....

It's pathetic how I can so easily change something that has nothing to do with me into something that brings ME glory.  Even now, I catch myself pondering some new scheme to get people to follow my blog, etc. 

"I am a whore, I do confess.  I put you on just like a wedding dress and I run down the aisle.........."   Derrick Webb

The Seed and The Soil

Way back in the day, I was forced to read a book called The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.  My classmates all hated it.  I ADORED it.  A completely dysfunctional missionary family from a little town in Georgia moved to the Democratic Republic of Congo.  They had no idea what they were doing.  Some of them went crazy, literally, and others grew to love the country so much that they stayed there forever.  Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I was completely heartbroken for this country and its people.  I've never been to the Congo.  I've never even met anyone from the Congo.  Yet somehow, years later, my desire to see this nation healed and all of its orphans loved has shaped a ton of my life without me even realizing it.  My heart for orphans is rooted in the Congo just as Ryan's is rooted in Nicaragua.  Layla is rooted in the Congo.  That obscure book was a tiny seed, and God has been working the soil in my heart for years, knowing that one day that seed would grow.

The seed is growing.

In March, I'm heading to the Congo.  And I'm going to help set the groundwork for rebuilding an orphanage that will house 70 of the some 15,000 street kids.

This is the orphanage now: structurally unsound and uninhabitable.

This is the new orphanage: Larger and properly built. 

For more info: Head on over to http://www.voices4thevoiceless.org/

Love Takes Time

I've decided to go ahead and share a couple of things that have been going through my brain since Layla's birth.  We'll go in order:

1. I was completely terrified when I first laid eyes on my sweet baby.  E's labor was incredibly long, and Ryan and I had been at the hospital for over 12 hours by the time Layla was finally born.  We spent hours playing Spades with complete strangers during the course of the day.  One moment, I was throwing down a card, and the next, I was suddenly a parent to a tiny little baby that was screaming her lungs out in the nursery.  A lot of people have told me that I would be completely overwhelmed with love for my daughter as soon as I saw her.  Instead of love, all I felt was shock and terror.  How in the world could I take care of another human being?  I was sure that I would fail miserably.  I knew how to raise a dog, but I sure as heck had no idea how to raise a child.  She was so tiny and frail looking.  Ryan held my hand and all I could think of was how unprepared I was to take on such a HUGE responsibility.  

2. My husband is the most amazing person I've ever known.  While I was too terrified of killing Layla to even chang her diaper, Ryan was busy feeding her, changing her clothes and cleaning up poop.  He took to her like he'd been a father his entire life.  He stays up late with Layla when she decides that 2 am is actually 2 pm.  Layla is seriously going to be a daddy's girl.  I'm trying my hardest to win her over to my side, but I can just tell by the way she looks at him that she's all his.

3. Love is something that grows with time.  The longer I'm around my sweet little lady, the more smitten I'm becoming.  Women that give birth to their children have an entire 9 months to nurture and care for their baby.  I didn't get to physically love my child until she was in my arms.  She was in someone else's womb. I knew she was there and that I loved the thought of her, but I never got to feel that she was physically there.  My love has had to grow.  It has certainly grown quickly, but I can say for a fact that I love my sweet girl at this moment much more than I did that first day.

Living in the Cookoo's Nest

Today is the first day I actually feel like I may have titled my blog correctly.  Our journey to Layla, in all honesty, has been relatively easy.  Our paperwork was easy. Our homestudy went by with no hiccups.  The wait time before we recieved a referral was only around 2 months.  The 2 more months between our referral date and Layla's due date have flown by without us knowing what happened. 

Well, her due date has come and gone and I've been on pins and needles for about 5 days now.  The house is clean, the nursery is ready, and the fridge is stocked.  Everything at work is even caught up.  There are moments in the day, right in between answering yet another call from someone thinking that we'd just forgotten to tell them that she's arrived, that I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind.  I keep hoping that if I keep myself busy, or if I accidentally leave my phone in the other room for a couple of minutes, that E will go into labor.  Time is going backwards.  I actually had a dream last night that I had missed Layla's birth and she was never going to come out.  Don't laugh.....

I know there is a reason for the wait.  I know that God is just playing out some huge plan that I know nothing about.  I know that I should be enjoying these last few days that I have of freedom and irresponsibility with my husband.  I know that I need to be using this time to catch up on sleep since I won't remember what that word even means soon.  I know that this is me learning to be patient.  I also know that I've waited a very very long time to meet the daughter that God picked out for our family, and that I'm about to explode with the love that I have for her. 

On a side note: I think God was saving Ryan when he decided to not let me give birth to this child.  I'm fairly certain that I would have to be put in a psych-ward if I were to add pregnancy hormones to the mix right now.  :)