Miscarriage and Me

I just read a friend's blog post that described the reality of her reaction to finding out she was pregnant.  She posted this literally days before she gave birth to her daughter.  As I read it, I started thinking back on my own experience with pregnancy and I am finding that I'm absolutely floored by the emotions I'm feeling.  My memories of pregnancy aren't particularly fond.  I remember the excitement that surrounded everything when we found out about Baby A (we never got to the naming process).  I wanted to tell everyone.  We were bursting at the seams with anticipation.  And then I remember the fear.  When I realized for the first time that we were losing Baby A and that I could do absolutely nothing about it, I lost it.  No one talks about miscarriages, because they are too terrible to mention.  The physical pain is excruciating.  The complete lack of control is terrifying.  The hours and days spent waiting for the inevitable breaks you.  Your allowed time to rest and heal and then given a hope that you'll be fine the next go round.  Baby B rolled around 4 months after we lost Baby A.  Ryan and I were optimistic, but cautious.  We told only the necessary people that we were expecting.  Losing Baby B is a blur.  We were still numb, and honestly, I was expecting it to happen.  Baby A and Baby B will always hold a special place in my heart. Through all the pain and complete lack of understanding, we've slowly started to see why God chose this path for US.     This is why:

A Gift FROM Me, or A Gift TO me?

When Ryan and I first began thinking about adoption, my initial thoughts were that I was somehow "saving" a child.  I would be taking a baby into my home and pouring all of my love into that little life, and in doing so, giving them things that they couldn't have without me.  Adopting a baby was a sacrifice of my money, time, love, energy, and life so that one child could grow up in a better home. 
As we are faced with the fact that Layla is due in 3 weeks time, and we'll get to hold our baby for the very first time, I find that my opinions and feelings toward our adoption have changed drastically.  We aren't saving Layla.  We aren't saving E, her birth mother.  In a way that I can't quite grasp yet, they may be saving us.  E has shown me, more than any other person, what it looks like to sacrifice yourself for someone else.  She has been carrying and caring for a tiny little treasure that God created for the past 9 months, knowing that she would receive nothing in return for her love and diligence.  Her entire life has been put on hold, just so that she could carry the baby that I couldn't.  Adoption has nothing to do with me giving a gift.   Adoption is God's gift to me.