4 Months!

Layla turned 4 months old last night at 8:57.  I can't believe how fast she is growing up.  This is also the weekend last year that we decided that we were going to adopt.  It's insane how much life has changed in just a year's time.  We are taking pictures of our family this weekend, so I hope to have some new ones to post soon.  Until then, I'll leave you with a short video of Layla and Ryan practicing her Wonder Woman impression. 

I so love my little family.  Even if we are weird.... :)

Growing Up

(Re)Discovering Relationship

This blog has been quiet the last couple of days.  I've wanted to write something, but I didn't want to just write over and over again how hectic my life is right now (not like that will ever change).  I want this blog to be a place to store profound issues and victories in my walk with Jesus, but also a place that I can simply share my day and how Layla is growing.  I never want it to be so overwhelmingly intense that you have to brace yourelf to read it.  I never want it to be so trivial that you see don't care to read it at all. I hope I find a balance eventually that will be just right.

So the Church has always taught me that I should have a relationship with Jesus.  This is obviously an on-going process and one that I have even come close to getting right yet.  What the Church has never taught me is that I should have a relationship with the Holy Spirit.  He's always been this intangible, spirit-thing that is more like a guiding force than a person.  I mean, something called the "Holy Spirit" has to be just a spirit......right? Plus he/it is in me....aka my body....so he/it can't be a person or anything.....right?  And if he isn't a person then he doesn't really have feelings or need relationship.....right? 

So get this: What if the Holy Spirit was a person; not the physical kind, but the Jesus/ God kind?  Woah. That changes EVERYTHING.  What if I'm supposed to have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, just like I do with Jesus/ the Father?  (For all you theologians out there: I know they are ONE, but they are also different.  I know that by having a relationship with Jesus, we have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, in a roundabout way, since they are ONE. But we shouldn't forget that the Holy Spirit is the one inside of us....and the one that we seem to never pray to.....ex: I hear "Dear Lord" "Lord Jesus" "Holy Father" etc etc all the time, but RARELY hear "Dear Spirit" etc.)  I don't mean to claim to know much about this subject at all.  Honestly, I know very little about the Holy Spirit and how the trinity works.  I'm not sure anybody really knows anything about the trinity works though..... 

Regardless, when Jesus ascended into Heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit down to be our counselor and to dwell within us.  He even said that it was better for us that this happen.  So why have we forgotten that He's even here?  Why do we push Him to the background of our lives and only ask for help from the Father and the Son?  I don't have any answers.  All I have is more questions and this gut feeling that there is a whole nother PERSON of the Godhead that I never really knew was there. 

On the lighter side:

Check out my ridiculously adorable little Layla.  She is getting so big and she looks practically NOTHING like she used to. 

My Ugly Truth

There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to write this post.  I'm scared of what you all will think of me; of my faith and my God.  This past week I've had this underlying feeling that I needed to sit down and be still.  I knew for some reason that I needed to read.  I had no idea what or why, I just knew I had to.  I picked up a book this evening that has been sitting on my shelf for about 2 years.  My brother gave it to me for Christmas a while back.  The book is called "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and it's all about the Holy Spirit.  I think I've been putting off reading it for the exact same reason that I'm both scared to write this post and know that I have to.

According to Chan, there are two main reasons that people don't ask the Holy Spirit to show up more in their lives.  1. They are scared that if they do ask, that He won't show and they'll be disappointed and lose faith in God.  2. They aren't sure that they want Him to show up because they are scared of what He might ask them to do.  I'm going to go ahead and bite the bullet and say that I fit into BOTH of these categories, but I'm really struggling with #2.  I want to be courageous and I want to live a godly life and do His will, but only in my head.  In real life, I'm a coward.  In real life, I want people that I work with to like me.  In real life, I want to have nice things and a nice family.  In real life, I don't want to get fired for sharing the gospel with my coworkers, or eventually, my students.  I don't want my neighbors to think I'm cookoo, or to be THAT person that people make fun of for actually thinking that the Holy Spirit can do miraculous things.  I'm wholly concerned about being popular to you, and not at all concerned about letting The Counselor that God gave me actually show up in my life.

The really sad thing is: I know this and can see it in all I do, but I'm still too scared to change anything.  I love my God, and I love Jesus, but I'm not sure I've ever really known the Holy Spirit.  Honestly, I'm ashamed of myself.  I know God has so much more planned for my life.  I know He showed me how much I'm lacking in my relationship with Him so that I'd do something about it.  Killing my pride is so much harder than I thought.

Homebody Bound

First, I want to apologize for being away for so long.  I'm in serious denial that I have too much going on in my life.  I want so badly to be able to see all of my friends and family more than I do.  There are so many times during the week that I think about how badly I need to go hang out with (fill in practically anyone's name).  I feel terribly guilty about how I'm not there for so many people on so many occasions. 

So I'm going to be honest for a minute: I'm exhausted.  I'd really love to stay at home for an entire week and only see my family.  It would be so nice to be able to shut off my phone and just be at home.  I miss sitting around the house reading.  I miss sewing and painting and playing with Layla until she's exhausted.  I miss putting her down for a mid-day nap and actually being there when she wakes up.  I miss baking and even watching a good show on TV.  I even miss cleaning.....yes, it is possible to miss this. 

Deep down inside of me, my inner intravert is crying out.  You see, I've always known that I would rather sit at home reading a good book or painting than being super social.  And with Layla's arrival and my ridiculous schedule of school and work, I've had very little time to be still and quiet. 

A friend of mine and fellow blogger just made her New Year's Resolution because she didn't want to wait until January 1st to do something that she needs to start now.  I think I will do the same.  This may sound completely opposite of what I should be doing, but I want to make a resolution to stay at home and be still more.  I want to be artsy and know that I'm spending time nurturing and growing in relationship with my Jesus, my husband and my daughter.  I absolutely realize that this means I will probably spend even less time with people that I love that I hardly have any time to spend with now.  But for a season, I need this.  I need to remember who I am and stop long enough to be able to hear God's voice in my life.